Today I have been thinking through how many woman today are alone and desperate, reminiscing over my past and past experiences, remembering how hard certain situations was, and how difficult it was when I was in a domestic violence situation.
Every day I see more and more domestic violence cases happening, it’s not because the people in our lives are bad or that they have it in there nature to physically hurt their spouses, it’s because of the pressures outside of their lives that is dictating their behavior.
Clearly there are some men and woman that have it all figured out, and have no stresses inside or outside their homes but still have a domestic violence tendency, this is a very thin line to walk on, some people have been raised in homes where domestic violence was part of their childhood and what they saw as they grew up is what they’ve become, emotionally and more times that one those kids have been abused as well.
The sad part is that parents in a fiery situation themselves don’t notice the children’s suffering in a relationship like that, I have gone through it myself, when you fight everyday to stay alive in a situation like that, when you don’t want to say a word to your kids when they ask questions like, mom why are you limping again or where did that black eye come from, or the worst one of all, why were you in hospital again, are you sick ? Is there something we need to know ? Then its too late already,
I remember, the days that I spend more time in doctors offices, hospitals and often ICU than I did in my marriage, I remember that I could never mention to anyone what was going on in my life, if I did I would just get a harder beating the next time, I always defended my spouse, and was always thinking “ He will Change, I have the Power to Change him, he loves me enough to change, in my life story I was lucky in a way, I was riding as a profession and trained many horses from the race track, I always used that as an excuse to anyone that asked me a question about what happened to me, I always said I fell while jumping over a jump, or got kicked or stepped on in the stable, all lies, lying to protect my marriage and always hoping that it will stop.
But one day I saw my kids ( I only have boys ) fighting against each other, when I intervened, obviously thinking that as boys they will fight, stopped it, sat down with them and spoke about what the reason for this fight was, and to the worst feeling I have ever experienced, they explained to me that “ But that’s what daddy does with you mom when he is unhappy about something “ that’s how you guys sort your problems out…”
I nearly died that day, I could not believe what they explained to me, I had so many emotions at the same time, I was angry and hurt, I mean as a parent you want only good for your children, you want them to grow up to be successful and strong, stable minded and kind. But due to what was happening in my life, without me even realizing, defending myself all the time, not seeing that my kids were observing all this and thought that was actually how things were meant to be, and how problems were solved.
That day I realized what I was actually doing by defending my spouse, by lying about my injuries and preventing to take action against a toxic relationship and home.
One thing I want to mention though, in all honesty, Abused Wife Syndrome, is real, and many woman you speak to in a domestic violence situation will always tell you that they are too scared to leave or he will change “I know he will” or I can’t talk about this he will be more upset with me !!, let me explain what happens to people that are abused, mainly woman in this case, your self worth, your emotional mind, your physical body is so broken down that you honestly believe that you can’t breathe, cope or survive without your abuser, and worst your husband, especially when he is the bread winner and supports the family, you become so scared to walk away, you are literally afraid of everything and everyone around you, you can’t involve other people as you feel that you are bringing trouble to their lives, unfortunately friends or family members that knows about what’s going on might only support you in a situation like that for a short while, they all back up the minute it happened too many times, not understanding why you are not walking away, so they just stop helping you, as you are not wanting to help yourself in their mind, clearly not understanding why you continue to go through this abuse.
But as a mom and a woman, you don’t know what to do, you are scared, your children are involved, you have no money or financial support as a toxic person like a abuser will control all the finances, you have nowhere to go, no one to cry too, and no one that’s willing to stand up against a man like that, they would rather not have the “Trouble and Drama”, so what is the outcome, as my heading says “ ALONE “
When I finally made the decision that enough is enough ! I walked away.
With my decision I tried to take this up to the highest levels in our countries support systems, we had all the bells and whistles, the police services, domestic violence systems, protection orders etc. For days in and days out I sat in police stations with my kids, too afraid to go home, made case after case, protection order after protection order, I can’t say they did not work for awhile, but in my case my husband was already of the wagon, either always drunk, high or drunk and high at the same time, he did not care for protection orders and such.
At first the police assisted me and calmed situations down, “removed” him temporarily so that we can calm down, and think things through. Later I had to get official protection orders in place so that he can be arrested, he was relentless by the way, he would not back down. After the first arrest things just got worst, he was not afraid of jail, or authority systems, he did not care. All he cared about was “ If I can’t have you no-one else will” things badly escalated from there, he now knew that I had enough of his drama and abuse and he started feeling out of control, making the situation extremely dangerous, long story short, he was arrested many times, so many times that the police services told me that it has no effect anymore to arrest him and that it’s just free food, a roof over his head and state medical attention when he needs it in jail, so they started to refuse and ignore the calls and complaints.
Eventually the case got to court and he was sentenced to a long term as well as anger management, things never changed, when he got out things just continued, I eventually had to entirely remove myself and had to ask my parents to assist with my kids and moved away, out of sight out of mind. He did not care much for the kids, it was only me he obsessed with. At that time it was the only way to keep my kids safe from this man as he would not take my father on.
The point to my story is to let all woman, abused spouses and abused children around the world know that they are not alone, I have made it my life mission to assist people in these situations, to listen to them, obviously all situations are not the same as mine but it’s very similar, I understand what you are facing, I know as I have been there.
Something you need to understand..
First, you have done nothing to deserve this kind of life, remember that the problem lies with them and not you, you are good in every way.
Secondly, you are stronger than you think, all you have to do is make that decision, I know it’s super hard and one of the most difficult things you will ever have to do. But get yourself to make that decision.
Thirdly, you have people like me and I am sure others, I for instance am here to listen and give advice if possible. I am not going to run away as everyone else does, I faced this situation more than once, on my own, I understand more than most as it was my experience as well.
We also have spiritual and mental programs that we suggest to heal you inside out, if you are mentally stronger then everything else gets easier, more clearer, when you can see the future better then you can make easier decisions.
We have also put together a few online assistance systems and programs, these are created as I knew what I needed assistance with, and I want to make that available to other woman, men and children caught up in a situation like this.
Please know that you are more than welcome to reach out at anytime, even if you just need to talk or get some clarity on your next steps. It’s free.
You are not alone !!
Thanks to the photos and art.
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